Decoding Learning Differences with Kimberlynn Lavelle

Motivation Killers

Each month on the Decoding Learning Differences podcast, I’ll be digging into motivation.  And to kick off the year, I’m starting with what NOT to do, so that we can spend the rest of the year diving into what TO DO!

 

This episode goes into three “Motivation Killers”: Punishments, Rewards, and Praise.  (Although praise is actually a type of reward).

 

Punishment

Now that corporal punishment (physical abuse/hitting) is very rare and illegal in most states, punishment is usually about taking something away from a child (called a negative punishment).  Punishments you may have seen in schools:

“You didn't do your work, you don't get to go out to recess.” 

“You didn't do well enough, you get an F.” 

“You get a zero.” 

“You have a missing notice that has to go home and get signed by your parents.” 

 

Now, that last one can also be a type of communication between parents and teachers and doesn’t need to be punitive.  It really depends on the teacher’s mindset.  Do they want to punish or just communicate?  Is the note given privately and with empathy or is the kid put on blast in front of the whole class?  Is the tone of voice kind or upset?

 

Similarly, at home we tend to not spank much anymore (there is a lot of evidence around the harm that spanking causes) but we will take things away (negative punishment):

“You didn’t do your homework, you don’t get to watch TV” (or ride your bike, or play on the tablet, etc)

 

All of these punishments send the message that you believe the child has willfully chosen to do the “wrong thing” or to not do well enough on an assignment, etc. All of these punishments create a power struggle between child and adult.  All of these punishments can cause kids to feel like they are bad or dumb.

 

Rewards

We can also flip some punishments to be rewards: “you don’t get to watch TV until you do your homework.”

 

Or we can use bribes, “If you read this page to me, you get an M&M!”

 

We’re letting kids know that doing the homework or reading is not worth doing unless they are being “paid” to do it.  “If you do A, I’ll give you B” let’s the child know that A is a bad thing and B is a good thing.  If they already like A, they quickly start to realize that they’re not supposed to.

 

If your kid loved eating broccoli, you could kill that love pretty quickly by telling them they only get ice cream if they eat their broccoli and then one day stop giving them ice cream.

 

Reading is a wonderful and pleasurable activity for people to engage in.  Writing, mathematics, athletic endeavors, and playing music are also.  If we start rewarding a child for engaging in any of these, we are sending the opposite message.  We are telling kids that they shouldn’t like these.  They should only like TV, tablets, candy, etc.

 

Because I never want my young children to lose their love of books and reading, I will never bribe or otherwise reward them for reading with me.  Reading is already intrinsically motivating and enjoyable.

 

Praise

Praise is a specific type of reward.  Saying, “good job” tells a child that they are being evaluated.  It lets the child know that there is a right and wrong way to do things and that they better be careful not to do the wrong thing.

 

This can kill creativity.  If a child comes up to you with their drawing and you say it’s a beautiful drawing, expect to see lots more just like it.  They’re less likely to risk drawing something different because you might not like it.  They’ll stick with the safe drawing.

 

If a child is working on writing, and you tell them, “great hook!” you are giving a specific praise, but you are still evaluating them and they’re likely to use the same type of hook in their next piece of writing. (A hook is the beginning of the writing that grabs a reader’s attention)

 

Keep in mind that many famous, award-winning authors were rejected by dozens of publishers before being picked up and then going on to become famous.  Those professionals didn’t think that book was good enough but now it’s being taught in classes on literature.  It doesn’t matter what those particular professionals thought of the book and it really doesn’t matter whether or not you like the hook.

 

It does matter whether or not your child is able to learn and grow from what they are doing.  It does matter how they feel about their writing.  So, ask them questions: 

“How do you feel about the hook?”

“What part do you feel you really nailed?”

“What are you going to work on improving next time?”

“Are you aware of the conventions around dialogue?  May I show you how we mark dialogue in a text?” OR “Do you know how most English writers show when characters are speaking to each other?  May I show you?”

 

You can guide and teach without your child feeling evaluated.

 

What to do instead

Motivation is tricky.  In Alfie Kohn’s book, Punished by Rewards, Kohn goes deep into why rewards are problematic.  And yet, he doesn’t offer much in the way of what to do instead.  And that’s because it’s rather complicated and there aren’t any easy and quick answers.

 

In the coming months, we’ll be going into various strategies that you can put into place that will motivate your child!  Be sure to subscribe so that you don’t miss any new episodes/posts!

De-Motivated Dennis

De-Motivated Dennis is a pseudonym for a particular student that I worked with for several years.  I wanted to share a bit about Dennis’s story because Dennis’s story is so similar to so many other stories of so many children who were once motivated and now “won’t do anything related to school work!”

 

When I first met Dennis, parents and teachers complained that he wouldn’t do anything.  They had tried rewards and punishments and things would work for a while, but then things would become worse than ever!

 

First things, first

My first recommendation for any De-Motivated Dennis that you may have in your life is to stop the request that they do school work.  In the case of Dennis, a public school student, this wasn’t able to happen until the summer.  But during that summer, parents let him do what he wanted.

 

That took the pressure off of Dennis for a while and allowed him to start to become interested in learning again.  Of course, it’s also a risk.  When kids take breaks for the summer, they are more likely to show significant regression after the summer break, which can cause things to be even harder for them and cause them to give up and refuse even more.

 

The Most Important Step

In last week’s episode with Vibha Arora, we dove into some strategies to implement when kids seem to be unmotivated.  One of the things that Vibha mentions is figuring out what is going on.  

 

For Dennis, I quickly recognized that his de-motivation was primarily due to feeling “dumb”.  Dennis, like all young kids, loved to learn when he was very young.  But repeated school failures as the result of a learning disability (dyslexia in his case), led him to label himself as “dumb” and to give up even trying to do well in school.  It was easier to be “bad” than to be “dumb” so he just refused to do any work. 

 

Now we’re getting somewhere!

So the next step was to address this feeling of inadequacy directly.  I had a frank conversation about how because Dennis’s brain is wired differently than most kids, he had some special gifts and he also struggles more with schoolwork, especially reading and spelling.  I let him know that we would try a new program together that was designed to help kids with his type of brain wiring.  

 

We agreed that if Dennis didn’t feel like he could try his best, that we would take a day off.  But I also explained that the more Dennis was able to focus, and be consistent in doing the program every day, the more progress he would see himself making and the faster that progress would happen.  

 

A few months later, Dennis could feel how much better he was at reading and spelling.  That really helped him get more motivated to keep working hard.  Soon he was going up a reading level every few months.  1.0 then 1.5 then 2.0 then 2.5.  He made over two years of reading growth in less than one year.

 

Takeaway

A lack of motivation can be caused by so many different factors.  Be sure to read or listen to next week’s episode about “Motivation Killers” to find out the biggest things to avoid when trying to get your kid motivated!  (You may be VERY surprised!)

 

But a lack of success can also be demotivating and helping a child find success can be very motivating!

 

If you’re interested in some coaching or guided tutoring (I will tutor your child for a short period of time while also teaching you how to keep it going), email me at Kimberlynn@DecodingLearningDifferences and we’ll get something set up!

Interview with Vibha Arora

You’re a parent of a struggling learner.  You are constantly worried that your child isn’t making enough progress, is struggling too much, and may ultimately wind up homeless in the gutter.

(Maybe your brain doesn’t go that far consciously, but on some level, it probably does!)

 

Meanwhile, your struggling learner is feeling frustrated and overwhelmed.  They assume they must be “dumb” because reading feels so much harder for them that it does for other kids.

 

In this moment, you find yourself at the kitchen table.  Yelling.  (again)  “You have to complete your reading worksheet!”

 

Your kid isn’t looking at you.  They’re mad.  They’re not talking to you and they’re certainly not doing the worksheet!

 

What’s going on?

According to Vibha Arora, of Woah to Wow parenting- a conscious parenting coach and a positive discipline coach, we need to start with a pause.  We need to start by stopping ourselves.  Walking away.  Taking a breath.  Our kid’s mirror neurons will have seen our frustration and are mirroring it.  So when we calm down, they will also be able to calm down.

 

Dealing with the Child’s issues

Our next step is to figure out WHY our child is refusing to do the assignment.  Is it too hard?  Uninteresting?  Are they just too hungry? Or did something totally unrelated upset them earlier in the day?

 

Vibha tells us that the upset child either has a lagging skill or a missing need.  Figuring out what that lagging skill or missing need is will allow us to problem solve with our child.  

 

One strategy that can be intrinsically motivating and can end power struggles is to offer limited choices, which supports autonomy.  Limited choices is exactly what it sounds like: choices given that are limited in scope.  Do you want to do your homework with a pen or a pencil?  Do you want to read at the table or on the couch? 

 

Limited choices takes away the choice about the required activity and place the choice in how that task might be accomplished.  Without limited choices, our kids hear, “Do your homework” and almost reflexively respond with, “no” because they haven’t heard a choice.  They make a choice for themselves.  Yes, I will do as I am told or no I will not.

 

Placing the task in the context of choice allows your child to still feel powerful and maintain their autonomy.  For some children, autonomy is extremely motivating.  It also builds self-esteem.

 

Dealing with Parent Triggers

Going back to the parent and child dynamic.  That parent is yelling at their kid because they are being triggered.  Vibha Arora’s background as a conscious parenting coach guides her response to the parent’s emotions.  That parent’s triggers usually stem from fears.  They might be afraid of judgement.  They might be afraid that their child won’t be successful.  The latter ultimately is the fear of your child ending up homeless in a gutter.

 

And while yelling won’t get our child to work and won’t make them “successful”, it is an automatic response in the moment.  

 

So what do we do instead?

 

We start by taking a break.  We “practice the pause,” as Vibha says.  We remember that it is not an emergency.  We step away, we take deep breaths.  We do the things that we teach children to do when they are upset.  

 

Vibha also encourages parents to focus on what really matters.  She tells parents, “remember who you are tucking in at night.”

 

That, my friend, is powerful.

 

Follow Vibha Arora: https://www.facebook.com/vibha.arora72

 

Contact Vibha Arora: https://www.vibha-arora.com/

Beginner’s Mindset

Beginners Mindset is a term that I either first heard in yoga or from Hunter Clark Fields, Mama Mindful Mentor (host of an excellent podcast, author of a great book, and founder of an wonderful parenting membership!)

 

If you’re not familiar with the term, it is about seeing something as if you’ve never seen it before.  It’s about doing things as if you’ve never done them before.  Looking to see what wonder and knew things you can see and learn.  

 

Today, I’m encouraging you to apply a Beginner’s Mindset to looking at your child.

 

Ask yourself:

• Who is this child of mine today?

• How do they learn best today?

• What environment is best suited to their learning today?

• What is most interesting to them today?

• What strengths are they demonstrating today?

• What skills are they focusing on today?

 

Keep in mind that the answers to these questions will often be the same day to day, but they will also change and taking the time to consider them occasionally helps us to better know our children.

 

As a bonus, I also encourage you to see the world with a beginner’s mindset, looking for wonder everywhere around you.  And I encourage you to take a beginner’s mindset to learning.  Look for a new skill you can learn, and model a love of learning, as mentioned in a previous episode.

 

Email me and tell me, who is your child today? Kimberlynn@DecodingLearningDifferences.com

Reflection

 The end of the year is the perfect time to reflect on what went right, what could be better, and so much more!  This episode digs into some powerful reflection around your child’s education that you can use for improving their education moving forward.

 

Watch the video and read the transcript at: www.YourParentHelp.com/podcast_0148 

Balance

How do you find balance in life?  How do you balance accepting your child for who they are and supporting a movement toward academic progress?

Listen to get answers!

Watch the video, read the transcript, and download the pdf notes at: www.YourParentHelp.com/podcast_0147

Gifts/Purchases

When making purchases for our children, it can be easy to be tempted and hard to stay strong.  This episode discusses some ways to avoid purchases that you’ll later regret!

 

Watch the episode and read the transcript at: www.YourParentHelp.com/podcast_0146

Gratitude

 When thinking about education, you may have never considered how gratitude, or thankfulness, can impact an education.  Whether you are homeschooling or not, this episode talks about how gratitude impacts the learning of anyone, regardless of disability, and how we can all increase our own gratitude.

 

Watch the video or read the transcript at: www.YourParentHelp.com/podcast_0145

 

Re-Energizing Learning

Everyone can start to feel reluctant at doing something, even something they love.  Kids with ADHD typically need things kept fresh, while children with autism thrive on consistency and predictability.  Other kids, whether they have dyslexia or any other learning disability, will typically all get into a bit of a learning slump around November.  But there are some solid strategies to get out of the slump and re-energize learning!

 

watch the video and read the transcript at: www.YourParentHelp.com/podcast_0144 

 

Register for the 5 Day challenge at:

www.YourParentHelp.com/challenge 

Tracking Progress

Tracking progress is an important part of education.  It lets us know where children are at and what educational strategies are working and which aren’t. It also can reassure us that despite all the fun that they are having homeschooling, they are making huge progress!

 

Watch video and read transcript at: www.YourParentHelp.com/podcast_0143